When we were young they taught us to stand up
speak out
And when we're all grown and big they turn
their words around
They tell us not to talk & tell us to sit down
I won't sit in silence, I will not be ignored
I will not be invisible or quiet anymore!!
(I don't care about profanity, I'm a big girl and can handle big people saying nasty things)
Ironic how the Egyptian regime is secretly hoping for the topple of the Ayotollahs in Tehran but suppresses Egyptian grassroots expressions of support for Iranian protestors... says a lot doesn't it?? I'm just so glad and relieved Ahmed Abul Ghait did not make any of his stupid remarks regarding Iran... so far.
Latest news is that the Council of Guardians just announced that the 10% vote recount results consolidate Ahmadi Nejad's disputed win.
Twitter updates suggest more protests in Tehran are breaking out. People are using various different kinds of civil disobedience, chanting "Allahu Akbar" from rooftops, honking their car horns, wearing green, etc..
Even though many suspicions surround voting integrity, at the point the results came out, turmoil, violence, and death could still be avoided. The 'legal channels' of protest and addressing grievances were going to be taken by the opposition to contest the results.
People who voted for Mousavi or Karroubi took to the streets to peacefully protest the results. Bit by bit the crisis took form as gradually more and more people joined the protests.
Violence broke out. Basiji Milita started attacks on protestors. Video after video of people being shot and killed started coming out of Iran. An influx of citizen reporting on Twitter, the blogs, Facebook, Youtube, and others was how these brave Iranians utilized what little access they have to reach the outside world. Foreign media was kicked out of the country or closed and not permitted to work. State owned media is biased and favors Nejad. The Internet played the most crucial role in aiding Iranian protestors to synchronize and report clashes with anti-riots and other events from Tehran, Tibriz, Shiraz, Asfahan, and Qom.
Incident after incident the escalation quickly turned into a bloody crackdown, with estimates of thousands of arbitrary arrests, injuries, and dozens of deaths... more about these estimates at International Campaign for Human Rights in Iran
As this took place the international community was mostly silent. Obama clearly admitted that meddling in Iranian affairs in the past led up to the Islamic Revolution and getting involved may yield accusations of interference. While the Americans were busy biting their nails and freaking out, average Persian men and women were being murdered for peacefully assembling. The truth is, no one from the international community wants to interfere so they wouldn't be blamed for what happens later...
A Gunshot Heard Around the World
It went on... until Neda was shot. She looked the world in the eye as she died.
That's when Obama started using stronger language and condemning the violence... Ahmedi Nejad described him as just 'more of the same' Bush policies... Coinciding with the Iranian Council of Guardians deciding that only 10% of the votes in the margin of error and the opposition's refusal to accept that... Leaders in the West were speaking out, as leaders in the Middle East are holding their breath... All in all the situation keeps getting more complicated as Michael Jackson's death concert steals the spotlight.
Some have suggested that the Arab leaders should not silently but obviously root for this movement because it would inspire their poor oppressed peoples to rise up against them. I would like to try and negate some points in this AlJazeera.net article that drew connotations between Egypt and Iran.
First, no matter what those employed by the Emir of Qatar or anyone else say or tries to say, the Egyptian case is different along several important lines. The most important of them is that the regime's default setting in Egypt is idealistically secular. But in Iran, the regime uses the oil revenues that would other wise go to Iranians, to use the influence of groups backed by groups funding groups supported by the IRI itself, to export extremist Islamist political thought to, not only the Egyptian realm, but all over the region. And it is that that embodies the real threat of hijacking any uprising against the Egyptian regime by those affected by poverty the most.
Instead of directing all this money and effort to the welfare of Iranians, the Iranian regime chooses to invest in hatred. And the Iranian people (who according to this prove to be one of the most pro-US societies in the region) find themselves isolated from the world, violated and oppressed, under an exploitative abusive regime.
If the movement for freedom in Iran succeeds it will inspire us all that hope exists, embed the universality of human rights, and teach those in Orouba Palace that things need not happen IRI Style when the time for elections comes in Egypt.
What Next?
The truth is a movement as genuine as the one we're witnessing in Iran comes in a very delicate shape.
The IRI is now succeeding at thwarting any attempts at an organized nation-wide movement and reducing it to isolated pockets of random unrest.
As this amazing article from Rotten Gods explains, Iranians who're involved in the movement can not all be put in the same ideological categories. But they are all unified on at least three things
1. Opposition to Ahmedi Nejad
2. Opposition to Election Results
3. Will and desire for change
But as this Foreign Policy article describes, "Iran's popular uprising, which began after the June 12 election, may be heading for a premature ending. In many ways, the Ahmadinejad government has succeeded in transforming what was a mass movement into dispersed pockets of unrest. Whatever is now left of this mass movement is now leaderless, unorganized -- and under the risk of being hijacked by groups outside Iran in pursuit of their own political agendas."
Even though Mousavi has tried to generalize his calling to include as many Iranians as possible, the trend I'm noticing is more in the direction of opposition to Nejad, his support internally and his influence externally is diminishing surely even if slowly. Not to mention the widespread speculation about the sharp divisions inside the IRI's ruling elites. Between the presidency, the revolutionary guards, and the clerics, a cut struggle for consolidation of power plays out, over the wave that have stirred Iranians up for change. Not to mention the foreign regional and international forces that are to... ummm... yestado fil mayya el 3ekra... 'go fishing in the dirty waters'.
Also, the chess game strategies currently playing between the actors inside Iran allow for a deal resolution to be reached, where leader ship positions would be shuffled around, with the risk of compromising the true will of the people and not bringing true freedom and respect of human rights. So the people have to be careful who they endorse.
But either way... change from within is the best bet, it's what Iranians want and what they deserve. Iranians at the end of the day are the ones that suffer at the hands of the current regime. It thrives on oppressing their beliefs and limiting their aspirations. Many have suggested that the only way Iran can utilize nuclear technology for peaceful purposes is if a new secular regime was in power. Not to mention the Iranian seculars outside of Iran who lobby the congress to oppose any Iranian regime obtaining nuclear capabilities as long as they're not part of it.
What this movement needs at the moment is think of alternative ways to stay strong and yield the support of more Iranians. Keeping the idea and the spirit of 'Sea of Green' alive... Branding it as the movement for freedom for all Iranians that it is. After all it is the voice of average every day Iranians like Neda Agha Soltan, who did not belong to any specific political group, that makes the difference.
I was recently confronted with the fact that I don't really know what made me stop writing. I discovered that my reasons for quitting Isis are the reasons that hijacked my inspiration in the first place. And I decided that, you know what? FUCK IT!
Anonymous or not anonymous - I'm doing what I love
Read me the way I am or delete me from your history
After all its just a blog - and should never be taken more seriously than it's intended to.
A road into the unconscious.... Random perceptions... Mind Craps...
I started blogging as a tribute to the truth... and the truth is so much bigger and more important than me, my blog, and my identity... so FUCK IT
Who the fuck cares anyways? BIG DEAL!!
My arrogance just made me believe my identity was such a big deal that I would fuss all this much about conceptions and misconceptions of identity and anonymity. And all this while I was getting unfocused from why I even started blogging in the first place...
I started blogging to fight against evil.... portrayed in the ills of my environment translated by my confused little mind.
I apologize if I acted as if this entire universe is about me... but we all struggle against the temptations of our pride every day....
This is my freedom bubble.... I vow that it will never be deflated.
I write and write and don't care who reads it because no one knows its me. Or maybe everybody knows its me and everybody's pretending... or maybe I'm paranoid...
Do you my dear reader know who I am? Tell me if it matters to you... Would you believe me more? Or less if you knew my name?
What's in a name anyways?
Can reality be called any other word and still be real?
I miss it... I miss how real my bubble was to me. I miss being in the shadows. I miss being present with my spirit and not my label. I miss people not knowing me. I miss being anonymous so much. And I wish my name was forgotten.
Tell me my reader if it makes a difference to you whether or not a blogger is anonymous.
Isis was a lost soul looking for the slightest signs of sense in this vast boring universe... but now I found it.
Isis the paranormal goddess... dies tonight.
I contemplated and re-contemplated...
I can't deny the things I wrote or the things I've done... and I won't attempt to
But now I want to get past them... move on... as they say
Becoming Isis was a process to me... it started with messing around, grew into emotional ventilation and mental healing, letting it out and learning from it, helping others, warning others, making this an example for others.. call it mind crapping..... call it showing off my writing.. call it what you will.. At the end I didn't do what I was supposed to do..
because...
because...
Society's chains are wrapped too tight around me to break free... When I tried to I couldn't. I guess I'll always be struggling against some thing... But I'll always have the strength of what I conquered. I'll always remember those who prayed for me. I don't know if I could have done it with out you. Isis was a phase... or rather a necessary recovery operation of what is real.
and now the Oscar speech:
To the readers, what you have been subjected to here is the bare pulp of a mangled young mind with a sense of humor trying to heal its wounds. I hope it was at least entertaining. But I really hope it was insightful.
To my friends - who know themselves - you stood beside me and you can undeniably see your impact on my life blossoming in your faces. To the living amongst them - and to those who don't need to wait until I click 'publish' to read this.
To those who ran off - I thank God you did...
To those I hurt on purpose - I'm sorry I caused any disturbances to anyone's plans... but I'm not really in most cases... try to think clearly and thoroughly of what you really wanted from me being in your life and you'll understand why you deserved it... my advice... face yourself. It will bring breakthroughs I tell you.
To those who caused the most damage - May God bring forth his vengeance upon your heads and the heads of those who you love most (as He may see fit). I will go put all my grudges in a brown paper bag and stick it in the bottom of my closet. I still am not ready to set it on fire or bury any hatchets, and may not ever be, but my soul is thus cleansed of your hatred... and my nights are no longer haunted by your images. Your natural death is still the ideal solution, because I trust in God's justice. I delegate your punishment to the hands of He who is stronger than me and all my abilities... (still bitter?? hmm no i'd rather go with just being labeled menafsena - it's a lighter form of bitterness)
To my family - you suffered the most - May God be with you in healing what I caused and may He grant me the scope to make it up to you every day of my life with gratitude.
To My King,
What binds us is so much bigger than our egotistical love to each other. Between us is a divine bond that is connected with the fate of the universe. Not only do I want you with every fiber of my being, but something bigger and much more important than me and you and humanity combined wants us to be together. Our union is peace and equilibrium for this world. Take that away and I assure you the greatest mountains will crumble like cookies at the feet of the wrath that will unleash.
What we have been blessed with - most people are not even fortunate enough to define. It has been granted to us so we can protect it and utilize it for good... for, as we have been blessed, my dear love, we have also been cursed. As our potential contains elements with the capacity for mass destruction, it contains elements that if nourished will cover Earth in pleasantness, chirping of birds, and cheeky smiles.
Spiritual, they say we are. Connected. Telepathic. Whatever it is that makes my soul open painfully wide just so you can see deepest inside me, allows me to also see the deepest darkest corners where no one's ever been in your head. Let me take your hand and walk you through them, help you see the past from your present eyes. Let me light the way for you as you light for me my life. Let us lead on out of this pitch black darkness, and cross on into the light. I honestly did not mean for this to rhyme.
May God protect you and bless you And grant us both the wisdom we need May He present his hand of aid to your goals and give you faith May he give you the strength and power to thwart any difficulty And the humbleness to maintain his blessings May he give me all that I need to make you happy forever as you make me.
(end of Oscar speech)
I hate to part with you, but it is time I step out of the shamed shadows and start embracing who I am.
As many of you have noticed, I have nothing to give here anymore...
This day I transform...
I come out of my cocoon to stretch out my wings and fly...
Here I got older and maturer.. I learned things about this world and myself... and now the curtains will go down on this chapter... but another chapter will, by default, pop up somewhere else.
And let the last words I type here as I wipe a few tears be to Isis:
Thank You. One day "You looked like a goddess and felt like a goddess" And you believed that But you are no goddess A rare phenomenon maybe - an exception - or even a heroine But goddess you are not Goddesses are myths traveling through time telling stories of strong women in dire episodes of misery But they and their stories are not real Not as real as you and your story At least you lived to tell about it
A prayer for someone who passed recently. No body can ever truly comprehend what this man was to me.
The man who planted the seeds of so much knowledge in me...
A true feminist who put women demanding equality to shame with his views of superior womanhood..
He taught me so much... about absolutely everything... about life and people, death and religion, music and culture.
He was the first to ever tell me "Take care... you want to destroy yourself"... He was one of the rare few that were ever able to foretell what was going to happen... and what he foretold always happened... He never missed..
He feared for me and worried about me and cried for me and prayed for me and gave me so much more than he or anyone else can ever imagine.
I am so glad I got a chance to tell him that.
I told him not to be scared.
That I pray for him.
That everyone he ever helped prays for him...
I told him not to be scared...
Dear God,
In the name of your blessings,
Revealed upon your messenger,
As mercy unto the universe,
I beseech you accept a prayer,
For all our souls shall submit to you only
Be gentle on his soul, for he salvaged many
Light the darkness for him, he lit the way for many
Make what he hears melodic, and what he smells reek musk
For he mended the most shattered of hearts
And filled them again with trust
Grace him with your ultimate justice
For in life, he stood up to injustice
Receive him with tenderness that is maternal
For you are the source of forgiveness and all that is noble
Regard him with compassion and drape him with your mercy…
For it trickled through him down to countless victims of tyranny
Pity his agony and relieve his woes
He gave so much sympathy
And treated suffering souls
Send him an army of mellow angels
To guide him through his journey home
May their soothing hymns comfort his spirit
And their tender wings embrace him with warmth
Admit him into your divine paradise
Where souls are oblivious to all that is evil
Pardon his sins and ours and the sins of all who he loved
Accept him I beg you into the realm that is peaceful
An American teacher was stabbed close to the bombing site in the Khan el Khalili area... according to Reuter's.
Coincidence?
Apparently not... its just another 'mentally ill' stabbing... This time the victim was an American citizen... coincidence?
The truth is... the bombings couldn't have possibly been Al Qaeda - as in UBL or Zawahri... they could however have been Al Qaeda supporters or followers or even sympathizers...
The truth is it can't be the Brotherhood or the Islamic Jihad or any of these groups... this is because primarily they've been making so much effort kissing the regime's butt to get out of jails with all their renunciations of violence.... still... this doesn't mean that the perpetrators do not have any relations, associations, communications, or interactions with these banned Islamist groups and/or their members... truth is... it could have even been carried out by a 'rogue' member of any of these groups... and it could also have been carried out by a random amatuer handful who could have done it for a number of reasons...
Since those who orchestrated the attacks may very well be amateurs I had hope our police and State Security would be able to catch them... but our police has been arresting Pakistanis and Iranians instead and are just too too slow... but I still had hope.
When I started reading about the stabbing I thought to myself that maybe if the attacks are organized and linked to this stabbing incident and there's a network of people behind them then maybe they'll be caught much easier than if they were random amateurs. But then when I read about the authorities claiming it's a mental case once again my hopes deflated also once again...
There's nothing new there... Don't you get tired of this? Not even bored?
I am tired of hating myself...
I hate everything about myself…
I hate how I look…
I hate who I am and how I feel and act and breath and eat…
I hate my creativity… it shines through most in my destructiveness…
I hate my head for it will bring peace, love and prosperity or the demise of all that is.
Still nothing new there...yawn…
I don't deserve love
Why?
How can anyone love me? I don't even love me… I HATE ME! Why should anybody love me? I don't deserve love
What do you deserve? Pain and suffering? Haven't you had enough? Or are you just addicted? Or are you just too used to it? Too scared to change what you expect of yourself? Too scared of failure so you take the easy way out – claiming you can't because you're too weak!
I can't give something I don't have…
I care about people... appreciate them.... worry about them and their safety... maybe even make an effort to do some good here and there every once in a while...
I miss...
I fantasize...
I imagine...
Do you love?
Ask me again...
Do you love?
'Huh?...'
DO YOU LOVE?
Define love
Fuck you!
Fine!
.....
WAIT!
Ask me again!
Do you know how to love?
I was hurt! I have pain! I was lost! I am scared! I have insecurities and fears and paranoias! I gave so much into endless black holes.... As I curled up to lick my scars and soothe my pain I grew bitter. You can taste my bitterness from miles... and I will make no secret of it...
I'M BITTER! I'M SO DAMN BITTER! I'M OUT TO GET YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!
...
And somewhere along the way... something happened... a sunflower in a field of roses... a caterpillar evolved halfway to a butterfly... a goldfish flushed alive... something... no body knows what... and I turned into a ball of fire... a minefield if you will... enter at your own risk... warning is up...
Nothing new there either... don't u get tired from repeating this crap? You got the attention. You got the scar licking. What more do you want? Get your head out of your ass already!
NOTHING… just peace
PEACE? PEACE YOU SAY??!
You're just dying for some drama so you can satisfy your sick addiction to devastation, damage, and destruction! So you can get so fucking artistically and generously creative in grazing more scars in YOURSELF everyone you know! So you can restart your sick cycle of "boos el wawa"
And that's not even what's so pathetic... what's so pathetic is that below all this you know... but you keep on making excuses... and weaving them into excuses. When all you need to do is face yourself... just once… and let it out… let it all out…
(Struggling...)
(Panting...)
Let it out...
(The hand places itself on the middle of her chest... right on the spot where it hurts...)
Let it out...
...
nehW....When ...rorrim eht ni kool I....I look in the mirror...
...ssenilgu si ees I llA....All I see is ugliness....
It doesn't change… It never changes… I have had it… it drains me…
I don't know where selfishness and guilt meet...
They meet when you wonder
That's why you wonder.
BREAK THE CYCLE
BREAK IT!
STOP MAKING EXCUSES
All that you hate about yourself are the things that happened to you out of your control… and the things you have done that are not you… even if that was you one day… you blamed the world enough… and punished yourself enough… you punished everyone enough… wake up…
Wake up and look at my ugliness? Wake up and look at the mess? Wake up and to continue hating who I am?
You don't even know who you are to hate what you are…
Stop looking for love in the mirror…
Stop being arrogant and listen…
Stop being too proud to need…
Stop being too self-centered to feel…
Make peace with yourself so you can make peace with life and living…
Love yourself for you have earned it… and you deserve it…
All you need to know is that I love Egypt and would give my life for it.
The best prayer I can think of for this country is:
"DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP THESE PEOPLE BE MORE LIKE ME - AND MAKE THE UGLY ONES LOOK BETTER PLEASE!"
