THE CRAVING

It is every recovering heroin addict's nightmare, dream, and reality combined. I've been clean for at least 4 years now since my last and most horrible relapse, but never have I had a stronger heroin craving in my life... not even when I first quit...

For a about two weeks now, flashbacks, dreams, even a little hallucination where I see a combination of images and memories of things that happened, and things that didn't. I see blood filled syringes, I see people from the past, some of them dead and others alive.

I only wonder about my old friends when I try to preemptively block them on social networks before they find me. I never miss them that's for sure. I saw my ex boyfriend's profile on facebook. I thought I blocked him, but apparently he has another profile. It turns out he married a Russian broad and had the ugliest baby of all time. It's like he cloned himself.... poor bastard, thank God I ain't your mama.

This specific person is where it all began in my life. The one who first introduced me to Heroin... The one person who caused me the most damage. He abused me verbally and attempted to physically on several occasions, exploited everything he could about me, manipulated me and lied to me while I only loved, or thought I loved him - later of course I realized it wasn't love, it was just masochism. I was 17 when we met.

I'm not his victim I'm a victim of my own sickness and that is what made me continue the relationship. I was doing all sorts of drugs before I met him - but he's the one who gave me Heroin. Would I have tried heroin if it wasn't for him? probably... My point is he is not the disease, the disease was there from the beginning.

Anyways I don't wanna talk about him - he got what he deserves - Hepatitis C. Needless to say I got tested for all blood diseases and am Negative, so don't worry about me. The reason I'm bringing all this up is to say that he no longer has any influence on my behavior. After I dumped him, which was much easier than I thought it would be, I lived under his influence for years, through my treatment and afterwards, I wanted revenge but I wasn't sure exactly from who or from what, I just wanted revenge. I wanted somebody to pay... and thus kept fucking up my life in his honor.

As for now I can proudly say not only have I attained closure, but I also have independence from the past. Except for the cravings...

I rarely had any cravings this past year, but recently the heroin issue kept popping up around me.

For example one of my best friends, and against a whole lot of begging I did, went and hooked up with an ex addict she met on a work trip. I begged her not to go through with it, and she didn't listen, she claims he's been clean for years, but I still begged her to dump him because he's an ex heroin addict... ironic right? I'm not worried about her using, I just worry about her being an addict's girlfriend or worse - wife! and having to go through all the pain.

At the end I told her that I will have to keep a distance between us because of this issue, I told her I can't be friends with him, and she understood. Recently she discovered I was right. I hate it when I'm right in this sort of situation. How can I stop my best friend from pouring her heart out to me on the phone? The hours of conversations we had about this reactivated some areas of my brain that aren't supposed to be active.

Another trigger was when I was driving my car and by coincidence I saw a guy in his 30's doing a line in a red Smart Car that was parked on the side. I didn't even mean to look, I was just glancing to the right and I saw him by mistake, I wasn't even trying to see, it was obvious. He wasn't even trying to hide. If I had the choice I wouldn't look, but I did and I saw and I got pissed as hell.

Another more general trigger is 'baltageya' - the thugs. Never before were 'thugs' or 'baltageya' as politically active as they are today. They are everywhere and all of them are on Tramadol - the opiate based prescription drug that most of them abuse.

So what do you do if you are a an ex addict who is having a strong craving?

YOU:

1) let it out, talk about it, write about it, talk to someone close, talk to your doctor, just talk talk talk... never hold it in, letting it out is important because if you don't it will snowball into a relapse sooner or later.

2) TAKE YOUR OPIATE BLOCKER! I used to take my opiate blocker - (AKA - Naltrexone, Revia, Deltrexone, Anarcol) everyday for several years, but now I don't anymore because the need has decreased. Yesterday I decided to take a pill. It is supposed to close opiate receptors in the brain and minimize cravings. It is not the most enjoyable pill, but it is the price we former junkies pay to stay clean.

3) Tighten your safety net. Reactivate your support network by telling your family members about your craving, have loved ones keep an eye on you, give up some of your privileges for a few days, have someone drive you to work, no need to go out a lot, leave your phone with your mom. If you live alone and have no family, drop by an AA or an NA meeting, speak to a therapist, preferably your addiction therapist of course. Jump start and relive your treatment process.

If I were diabetic, I'd take insulin.

My sickness is addiction.

What's yours?