When the blood started gushing out it was bright red... then it turned to a dark blackish red... and when the bubbles started coming out they reminded me of the bubbles found on the top of a Bloody Mary cocktail, minus the umbrella.
You must think I'm speaking about the sheep slaughtered on the first day of Eid. Well... I'm not... I'm speaking about the slaughtering of my veins... when the needle hits it and blood is drawn into the syringe.
I just don't know exactly how to say this.... So I'm just gonna say it... no introductions, no bull shit...
I relapsed.
Did I know that this fix will be my last? No... not while I was shooting it. Will this fix really be my last? I don't know... I thought the last time I relapsed would be my last. Will I ever stay the fuck away from heroin? I don't know... The last time I thought that I had no idea I would do it again... I never thought I would shoot again but I did and I don't know what to think anymore.
I used to get so offended when my Mom or any of my close friends suspected or accused me of using... I guess their accusations were only wrong at the time, but eventually they would fall into place.
SO WHY DID YOU RELAPSE?
I don't know! If I knew the answer to that I would have treated the fucking reason and not relapsed! I HATE THAT FUCKING QUESTION!
Stress didn't help, my parents' constant frustration didn't help, the jackass I'm currently seeing didn't help... and the normal usual everyday shit holes also did not help... but for sure they weren't the reasons..
But can I really blame him? I've always put myself in destructive relationships with undeserving people... He just happens to be one of them. What the fuck did I expect anyways? a happy ending? well fuck me! because that was my mistake from the beginning for putting up with all his abusive and exploitative crap. Someone who knows him very well said to me when he found out we were talking again, "you deserve all that happens to you". And he was right. I deserve it. I compromised knowing all the facts. My only fault is that I'm such a drama-holic! I made a conscious choice... I deserve the consequences.
Exactly like the conscious choice I made when I relapsed. I deserve the consequences. I deserve every last bit of pain and suffering I'm going through at the moment. I deserve every last fucking bit of it. I guess my only mistake is that I didn't let myself overdose and perish from this crazy world that keeps screwing me over without even having enough mercy to put me out of my misery.
About a month ago... Right about the time I wrote my last post here, you can say that I couldn't bring myself to post on this blog while high on heroin. Because that made me feel like a hypocrite or a lier because I can't trick any of you who read here. Even though you don't know who I am and most of you don't know my identity, I still can't carry that on my shoulders. This is because it means so much to me that some of you can relate or sympathize. This is the only place in my life where I can't lie. This is the only place where I am 100% honest. It would defy the entire point of this blog if I become a hypocrite here, what would be left for the real world?
About a month ago I decided to head out to the Fayyoum Road. Since I heard this is where the Suez Road dealers moved. I took my car and headed out there not knowing where the dealers stay and knowing absolutely nothing except that heroin is sold on that road. It was at night and I kept seeing flashing lights inside the desert on both sides of the road, but I didn't know how to get to them. Until I see a small run down Vespa with three guys on board. I had passed them earlier on the road and thought to myself that there is no way these guys are travelling to Fayyoum on a Vespa. They saw me slowing down on the side of the road next to where the dealers are and waved to me so I can follow them to the entrance. The entrance, which was a track of hardened sand, was marked by a tiny stone. I followed them into the the pitch-black desert until we reached the valley where the dealers are. I opened the window, slipped one of them a 50LE bill and asked him to score for me. A couple of minutes pass by and the guy comes back with my shit. I try to give him a cut, out of courtesy, but he refused. He asked me if he can come into my car so he can shoot up. I can't say no.
Ahmed is a سروجي or an upholster for cars, Nabih is a car mechanic, and Mohamed works in the groceries field. They get in the car and start shooting. I said my name is Heba, because that is my drugs alter ego, always has been. No deal has ever been made with my real name. There I am in the middle of the desert with the three guys I just described in my car. Something has to be terribly wrong with me so that I would put myself in such a situation. They become my drug buddies for the entire month. Would you believe me if I tell you that two of them can't read or write? And the sad part is that I felt some kind of kinship with them. They show me a type of respect or admiration no one else in my life can comprehend. It's sad. I know.
Until the second day of this current feast those guys were my drug buddies who felt for me when I was dope-sick and appreciated me for helping them shoot right so they wouldn't waste their dope on damaged fixes. Is it sad to say that the people I gave much more than that didn't appreciate it? while those uneducated junkies appreciated the small effort I did for them?
Anyways, they all got something in return... no one is an angel, I just hate it when they claim to be.
WHAT NOW?
I reached a level where if I go longer than about 9 hours without a fix I get dope-sick. I used to set my alarm to wake up in the middle of the night to shoot up so I wouldn't be in withdrawal when I wake up the next day. This episode of relapse was very intense since heroin was unusually available in large quantities with economic prices everywhere. That when the Fayyoum Road was all closed up about a week ago, it was very easy to score else where. My dose quickly increased, and fast did my tolerance become a hungry monster... I figured I can't go my entire life like that. The funny thing is when I went to Fayyoum Road the first time, I actually really did think that it would be a one time thing. All that I preach about the 'one time' concept not existing with heroin hid from my consciousness all of a sudden. Funny huh?
My mother and exactly two of my friends felt something was wrong about me, they felt something changed... The second day of this feast I came home high as hell. I went to the bathroom to pee and ended up in there for 45 minutes not knowing what I was doing. I had about 3.5 grams of heroin with me. My arms were all bruises and track marks. I was not in a good place. My mom came into my room, and before she said anything I found myself telling her everything I was conscious enough to say.
We agreed that she'll help me get treated here at home, without even telling my dad. She promised me that I can trust her and that she will keep it between us. She called the doctor and he prescribed the meds on the phone. These meds put me in a semi-coma and try to minimize the pain of withdrawals. She promised me that she will keep it between us and that she will not tell my dad. But I just found out that he knows. I felt betrayed. I didn't want him to know because I will need him to pay my tuition fees for a winter course that will start in two weeks so I would be able to graduate next semester. Now how the hell will he feel about paying all that money for someone who doesn't even deserve it? I can't take more time off from school. I've already been so late because of my accident and because of treatment. I'm the second oldest person in my class, it would absolutely kill me if I have to drop more semesters.
The most recent piece of news which I learned while writing this post is that I will in fact be shipped off to rehab. We are staying at my grandparents' house to spend the feast with them, but since all our relatives keep coming to visit, it would arouse suspicions for them to see me spending the entire time sleeping in bed. And thus they decided to send me to the hospital at night and tell everybody that I am traveling to Sinai with my friends, like I did during the previous feast.
"every muscle is inflamed and cramping… muscle spasms and convulsions that might lead to a sort of conscious seizure… every breath is heavy and short… body is trembling and shaking… body temperature simultaneously rising and dropping for no reason… sweating all over while shivering from cold even in mid August… headaches, diarrhea, vomiting, blurry vision sometimes, runny nose, coughing, sneezing… you name it… everything hurts, every thought hurts. And yet, withdrawal symptoms are the easiest to go through when a person is quitting heroin. I only recently realized that the physical pain from the withdrawal symptoms is nothing compared to the emotional and mental pain a person may feel when off drugs."
- From My Many Sides
ISIS
You must think I'm speaking about the sheep slaughtered on the first day of Eid. Well... I'm not... I'm speaking about the slaughtering of my veins... when the needle hits it and blood is drawn into the syringe.
I just don't know exactly how to say this.... So I'm just gonna say it... no introductions, no bull shit...
I relapsed.
Did I know that this fix will be my last? No... not while I was shooting it. Will this fix really be my last? I don't know... I thought the last time I relapsed would be my last. Will I ever stay the fuck away from heroin? I don't know... The last time I thought that I had no idea I would do it again... I never thought I would shoot again but I did and I don't know what to think anymore.
I used to get so offended when my Mom or any of my close friends suspected or accused me of using... I guess their accusations were only wrong at the time, but eventually they would fall into place.
SO WHY DID YOU RELAPSE?
I don't know! If I knew the answer to that I would have treated the fucking reason and not relapsed! I HATE THAT FUCKING QUESTION!
Stress didn't help, my parents' constant frustration didn't help, the jackass I'm currently seeing didn't help... and the normal usual everyday shit holes also did not help... but for sure they weren't the reasons..
But can I really blame him? I've always put myself in destructive relationships with undeserving people... He just happens to be one of them. What the fuck did I expect anyways? a happy ending? well fuck me! because that was my mistake from the beginning for putting up with all his abusive and exploitative crap. Someone who knows him very well said to me when he found out we were talking again, "you deserve all that happens to you". And he was right. I deserve it. I compromised knowing all the facts. My only fault is that I'm such a drama-holic! I made a conscious choice... I deserve the consequences.
Exactly like the conscious choice I made when I relapsed. I deserve the consequences. I deserve every last bit of pain and suffering I'm going through at the moment. I deserve every last fucking bit of it. I guess my only mistake is that I didn't let myself overdose and perish from this crazy world that keeps screwing me over without even having enough mercy to put me out of my misery.
About a month ago... Right about the time I wrote my last post here, you can say that I couldn't bring myself to post on this blog while high on heroin. Because that made me feel like a hypocrite or a lier because I can't trick any of you who read here. Even though you don't know who I am and most of you don't know my identity, I still can't carry that on my shoulders. This is because it means so much to me that some of you can relate or sympathize. This is the only place in my life where I can't lie. This is the only place where I am 100% honest. It would defy the entire point of this blog if I become a hypocrite here, what would be left for the real world?
About a month ago I decided to head out to the Fayyoum Road. Since I heard this is where the Suez Road dealers moved. I took my car and headed out there not knowing where the dealers stay and knowing absolutely nothing except that heroin is sold on that road. It was at night and I kept seeing flashing lights inside the desert on both sides of the road, but I didn't know how to get to them. Until I see a small run down Vespa with three guys on board. I had passed them earlier on the road and thought to myself that there is no way these guys are travelling to Fayyoum on a Vespa. They saw me slowing down on the side of the road next to where the dealers are and waved to me so I can follow them to the entrance. The entrance, which was a track of hardened sand, was marked by a tiny stone. I followed them into the the pitch-black desert until we reached the valley where the dealers are. I opened the window, slipped one of them a 50LE bill and asked him to score for me. A couple of minutes pass by and the guy comes back with my shit. I try to give him a cut, out of courtesy, but he refused. He asked me if he can come into my car so he can shoot up. I can't say no.
Ahmed is a سروجي or an upholster for cars, Nabih is a car mechanic, and Mohamed works in the groceries field. They get in the car and start shooting. I said my name is Heba, because that is my drugs alter ego, always has been. No deal has ever been made with my real name. There I am in the middle of the desert with the three guys I just described in my car. Something has to be terribly wrong with me so that I would put myself in such a situation. They become my drug buddies for the entire month. Would you believe me if I tell you that two of them can't read or write? And the sad part is that I felt some kind of kinship with them. They show me a type of respect or admiration no one else in my life can comprehend. It's sad. I know.
Until the second day of this current feast those guys were my drug buddies who felt for me when I was dope-sick and appreciated me for helping them shoot right so they wouldn't waste their dope on damaged fixes. Is it sad to say that the people I gave much more than that didn't appreciate it? while those uneducated junkies appreciated the small effort I did for them?
Anyways, they all got something in return... no one is an angel, I just hate it when they claim to be.
WHAT NOW?
I reached a level where if I go longer than about 9 hours without a fix I get dope-sick. I used to set my alarm to wake up in the middle of the night to shoot up so I wouldn't be in withdrawal when I wake up the next day. This episode of relapse was very intense since heroin was unusually available in large quantities with economic prices everywhere. That when the Fayyoum Road was all closed up about a week ago, it was very easy to score else where. My dose quickly increased, and fast did my tolerance become a hungry monster... I figured I can't go my entire life like that. The funny thing is when I went to Fayyoum Road the first time, I actually really did think that it would be a one time thing. All that I preach about the 'one time' concept not existing with heroin hid from my consciousness all of a sudden. Funny huh?
My mother and exactly two of my friends felt something was wrong about me, they felt something changed... The second day of this feast I came home high as hell. I went to the bathroom to pee and ended up in there for 45 minutes not knowing what I was doing. I had about 3.5 grams of heroin with me. My arms were all bruises and track marks. I was not in a good place. My mom came into my room, and before she said anything I found myself telling her everything I was conscious enough to say.
We agreed that she'll help me get treated here at home, without even telling my dad. She promised me that I can trust her and that she will keep it between us. She called the doctor and he prescribed the meds on the phone. These meds put me in a semi-coma and try to minimize the pain of withdrawals. She promised me that she will keep it between us and that she will not tell my dad. But I just found out that he knows. I felt betrayed. I didn't want him to know because I will need him to pay my tuition fees for a winter course that will start in two weeks so I would be able to graduate next semester. Now how the hell will he feel about paying all that money for someone who doesn't even deserve it? I can't take more time off from school. I've already been so late because of my accident and because of treatment. I'm the second oldest person in my class, it would absolutely kill me if I have to drop more semesters.
The most recent piece of news which I learned while writing this post is that I will in fact be shipped off to rehab. We are staying at my grandparents' house to spend the feast with them, but since all our relatives keep coming to visit, it would arouse suspicions for them to see me spending the entire time sleeping in bed. And thus they decided to send me to the hospital at night and tell everybody that I am traveling to Sinai with my friends, like I did during the previous feast.
"every muscle is inflamed and cramping… muscle spasms and convulsions that might lead to a sort of conscious seizure… every breath is heavy and short… body is trembling and shaking… body temperature simultaneously rising and dropping for no reason… sweating all over while shivering from cold even in mid August… headaches, diarrhea, vomiting, blurry vision sometimes, runny nose, coughing, sneezing… you name it… everything hurts, every thought hurts. And yet, withdrawal symptoms are the easiest to go through when a person is quitting heroin. I only recently realized that the physical pain from the withdrawal symptoms is nothing compared to the emotional and mental pain a person may feel when off drugs."
- From My Many Sides
ISIS
23 comments:
wow! even a post like this.... must be hard to write.... and you're as passionate as ever.
Get on the horse again, girl!
(ahem, metaphorically speaking)
You been off for a year and ½, you can do it again.
That's a damn touching post and a damn story. I just want to write no, no, no - but I don't. No, to be positive: You can get off again, you can.
one of the touchiest posts i've read in a long while, anyway i'm not commenting to tell you how nice your writing is, actually i feel for you, i've been through self destructive patches my self, nothing as bad as yours of course but well, i can tell by the way you wrote that thing that you are out to get your self (i.e. self destructiveness) whats wrong?
what you did on fayoum road was just crazy and irresponsible (but who am i to judge your behavior) the point is you didnt do it while high, you did it while perfectly sober, you took three perfect strangers into your car in the middle of the night in a deserted road, i can't even start telling you how dangerous that can be (even for a guy) but you already know that dont you, what you really should do is ask your self why did you invite them into your car. is it a secret death wish that you managed to keep from even your self.
I am absolutely positive that you will get past this. My best-friend has done every drug under the sun and went through different phases of depression. While she is still battling her demons here and there, she did it. She is getting better and is on the way to recovery. I can tell you have such a strong mother and a group of caring friends. Please don't give up the struggle and stay strong :)
I met a 28-yr old guy yesterday who did it for six years and was able to get off it, and he's been clean for three years.
I could have never told he abused heroin if he hadn't told me, you can never tell.
You can do it, you definitely can.
Kicked over here from the Sandmonkey. Never read you before, probably won't again, so odds are this comment won't mean very much to you - but you sound like someone who very much deserves to be successful in kicking this. Good luck
Isis, thank you for sharing this. You have my caring and support.
Some of my closest friends have successfully kicked. You can too. Even if you have a setback, it's a chance to start again. Hang in there. I'm with you.
how are u blogging when u are high??
My heart breaks for you ya Isis. I am really sorry for what happened.
I don't what to say. I can't relate to you in addiction , but I can relate to you in your bout of weakness. I get those all the time and do what I don't imagine myself ever doing. Just pick yourself up and get back on track. I can also relate to you in how heart aching it is to be fallen behind in education. I can go on to religious talk but I don't know if are ready for that. All I can say is take a deep breath, entertain the fact that u are not dead in the gutter somewhere, and at least you have a chance to get back on your feet... some have gone back and others lost that chance.
The song in my blog is dedicated to you!
Let me parrot Akiva M. Good luck!
:(
Well,beleive it or not,I knew it. knew you would relapse.And when I found out you havn't wrote anything for over a month I knew such a thing was going on.I didn't really finish reading your blog,as soon as I reached the word "I relapsed" I quit reading,as I want nothing to remind me of this shit.Trying to quit depending on strong will,good intensions and family support doesn't - in 99% of the cases- work. Opaite blockers and similar stuff are nothing.Addiction is wicked enemy of life.You and I and all other addicts have addictive personalities,addictive behaviors and addictive minds.There are reasons inside and around us that led us to heroin,and lead us back whenever we try to breakthrough,no matter how long we stayed clean.The needle is just the TOP OF THE ICEBURG,but it is all lying underneath.We are different from other people and we have deep emotional problems and scars nobdy else knows about and we try to kill those feelings with heroin and we fail.If you're in love with heroin be sure it won't ever love you back.If we don't deal with those reasons,if we don't admit we are sick and that WE CAN'T DO IT ON OUR OWN and we need help from others who understand us,feel for us and really care,we will revolve endlessly in this ring of fire , and eventually die,get ourselves busted or thrown away in a mental institute,and you will lose everything in between.
Now,Isis,listen to me and listen to me carefully as I'm a fellow addict who has been on drugs for 15 years before and off today: THERE IS A WAY OUT,but it's a way not known to many,and no doctor would tell u about simply coz they want you to relapse so that you would go back to them and they could hustle and make more money at the expense of your entire life.Ever heard of the Narcotics Anonymous ,the NA fraternity?..maybe you did and thought it's such a silly stupid idea,how can a 12 steps program,attending meetings,readings and sharing with recovering addicts get me off heroin when nothing else could? Well IT DOES,IT WORKS and it's true.I won't be able to explain it unless you try and join. If you are really tired of this shit and want your life back,I promise you,I personally promise you, you won't just quit dope,but you will be a better person,the real you.you will learn to love yourself first,I'm learning. Try it , as soon enough you will have nothing to lose. So just contact an NA fellow in your vicinity,reach out for them and they will for you,and if you don't comfortable doing it in Cairo come to Alex or any other place and start there.I know lots of people who would give you endless,unconditional support until you really make it,not just detox,detox is nothing!.contact me if you wish,I'm Mohamed.0167200399,Goodluck Isis.
I'm speechless...I knew something was up but I paid it no mind. I remember you telling about tareek el fayoum and how it was only L.E.70 a gm. That is what kinda freaked me out a bit at the time before sinai [and for good reason] but I am sorry I wasn't there for you, but if you had only called me before you decided to venture out after the elixir, this could have all been prevented.
Well the main thing now is to rest up, contemplate & get back on track but this time with the 12 steps - the Only proven method that works. I second what the last commenter Mohamed wrote. Pull your self up by the boot straps and shake it off and welcome to the world of CEO's, teachers, managers drs etc. who are all ex alcoholics and addicts working the 12 step program. We all support one another.
When you read this and are out of rehab, trust me the 12 steps is the only way to go.
Remember when we talked last, you said that you would consider it, because your program is only a 2 year program and your were quickly approaching your two years clean date, and didn't know what to do after that? If I had taken you to a meeting you would have had tons of people to call and this could have been so avoided.
You did good but will shine again, but this time so much brighter i'SIS
You quit once. Quit again. Now.
Yanhar eswed!! enti 3amalti kol 7aga we7sha w 7aram fel donia! I do not mean to offend u, but, this is true. Get closer to God, ask him for help and forgiveness, He will not & never will let u down. Instead of seeking help from ur friends wala ur family, start el awel b rabenna. Again, just turn to God. Rabena ye3'frlek w yehidiki.
Btw, I am not considered to be a very a religious person. Ana 3adeya, 3adeya gedan. Im not even veiled. However, I know enough about my religion and I love God to the extent that I think about Him meet alf mara before I do anything wrong. Ana ba7awel ma3'deboosh.
Do not think I do mean to offend you by my post or wanting to throw some nasty words upon you w 7'alas, I just felt like I have to write you these words.
PS: I did not want to write this comment of mine under this post. I wanted to put it in ur inbox, but it didnt work, dunno why! This is a general comment that I wanted to write after reading through your blog and not based on this post solely.
Take Good Care of yourself.
God bless you.
"Alahom ishfeeha w 7'afef min alamiha"
Dear Isis,
what has happened has happened.. hold ur head up and fight it and u shall prevail. Now that u hit rock bottom (with ahmed el seroogy!) there is no way but up. Gain momentum and finish school and get a job and clean up..
aight?
take care,
Karim
Check your e-mail, sweetie. We will get through this one and this will be the last one, too. :-)
You're the best, honey and we both know it.
Hang in there , hold onto me and you'll be fine .
Check your e-mail, sweetie. We will get through this one and this will be the last one, too. :-)
You're the best, honey and we both know it.
Hang in there , hold onto me and you'll be fine .
Your enemy's gain was fleeting. Continue the advance.
Isis, I suggest you listen to anonymous (Mohamed), My husband as I mentioned in your previous post went to rehab where they follow the 12-step program (NA), he is still there. I am very hopeful this time that it would change his life. just remember that you can't make the same mistakes repeatedly and expect them to have different results everytime.
it is sad that you relapsed. but, i understand that junkie lifestyle, as well. i have been clean, well relatively speaking for a few months. it is so easy to use dope as a coping mechanism. it just takes the pain away.all that guilt you feel about your dad, i can totally relate too. im also in college at a really great school, but i still find my self dating dumb ass guys that never appreciated me, which i never realize until its completely fucked. It's also taking me forever to graduate, and its just sooo disapointing just to myself, because i cant believe that i still am in a place where i easily could relapse, as soon as its in front of me. or even just mentioned. this addiction is hard girl. for everyone who has ever experienced, for only a true junkie could understand the things you wrote. thats why the uneducated guys who "appreciated" you sooo much are soo understanding because they know. its like an inside club. anyways, i just wanted to tell you that i hope you can make it, i know you can, its just you have to really, really want it.
Isis
Never Never Never give up. We are all so beautiful from inside. I hope you find the meaning to your life. You can make your life the way you want it to be. It is your journey and you get to make it whatever you want.
The guys on the fayoum rd don't appreciate you...no guy who is on Heroin cares for anyone. When you are on Heroin, that's all your'e in love with. There is a world of beautiful people and plenty of guys who would care for you.
Good luck on your journey.
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