BACK TO YOU

I have been clean for 5 years. And so I return here to my lonely dark empty place...
Back to you ~ISIS


The place I go to recover. But mostly the place I go when I have absolutely no one. Relapses are not always going back to taking drugs. But sometimes you go back to that same sad miserable state of mind that either had you start doing drugs in the first place or came as a result. Either way, it's that hopeless place which smells of "rock bottom" that is associated with drugs in every addicts' life. The depression. The same self destructive thoughts. The same thoughts of self hatred. The same thoughts of not wanting to live. Of not wanting to wake up in the morning because there is nothing to live for anymore. Not wanting to communicate because what the hell difference would it make? You're never heard and always misunderstood anyways, you're hated anyways, they will never love you, so why bother right?

Words are like bullets. They can kill as easily. Coming from specific people, specific words can in fact be murder weapons. Love is allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you know will not take advantage of you. That's why I see love as some sort of mental illness in its own way. That's why they tell you when you're an ex addict you need to choose your life partner carefully. Because you need to pay attention to your mental health all the time. This is because stress and extreme sadness can tip you over so easily. You start to see yourself as something so ugly and worthless again.

Love is not a word you say. I love chocolate. I love puppies. I love you.

Love is patterns of action and behavior. Love is when you hurt for the pain of your loved one. It is when you suffer for their suffering and are joyful for their joy. Its about trust and feeling safe, secure, and protected. It's about finding a source of mental stability, confidence, strength, not destruction.

Back then I had suicidal thoughts all the time and attempted it many times when I was in my teens mostly. Being suicidal is not only about wanting to die. Its about wanting to punish yourself (or others). Wanting to harm yourself physically to take the focus off the mental pain. It's wanting to be free of the worldly ills. It's about losing hope.

And when on the brink of World War III, someone who knows all that about you purposefully does everything within their power to hurt you, how can you believe they ever truly loved you? Love is not just a passing candle lit moment, it's supposed to be a lifetime of reciprocity and tenderness. In Islam it's called مودة و رحمة or mercy & cordiality. But you did not have mercy on me when you pushed me to the edge. Why are you surprised when I say all I have for you is hate and disgust now? What did you think I will feel after this?

Why did you do all these things? You knew what you were doing very well and don't you deny it.  What did I ever do to you except dedicate every breath to making you happy, protecting you, supporting you, and helping you feel well, confidant, and stable? I fought the universe for you. How did you fight for me? You fought me to the ground and devastated me. You left me the way I found you at the beginning. Messed up, lonely, and so sad.

Now you're so much stronger than before, you have a life and a job and friends. And I'm the one who has nothing. Thanks to you. Maybe because I spent so much time and effort supporting you? Instead of getting ahead with my life and my career I pressed the breaks hard so I can wait for you to catch up. And I was happy doing it because I shared my life with you and that was the most important thing. And at the end this is what I get? What a waste...

You used to help me before. And you were the one that took my hand into the last steps of recovery. But now I just fear you. I fear what you will do to me. I can't trust you will ever keep me safe. Now all I have for you is hate. All I have for this world at this moment is hate. For myself too.

You don't know how what you did broke me. And it terrifies me to imagine that no one else can fix me but you. Years ago you gave me my life back, but now you took it away again.

DEAR MEKKY

I saw this song a few days ago. It's by Actor/Director/Producer/Rapper/All around talent mega star Ahmed Mekky. Don't get me wrong, I love Mekky, since the early days of his first film the 7th Sense and the Tamer & Shawkeya series. There is no doubt that Ahmed Mekky is creative and talented, however his latest hit rap song, "The Train of Life" is a rare example of creativity talent conflicting with the positive message you're trying to make. The video, above, is about an average unemployed depressed male going into drugs to escape his daily disappointments, then suddenly he's hooked and steals money, then before the song is over he is dead. Shot in perfect sequences with known actors most people will tear up with they see it. However, making art, especially rap, is about a positive message, and when we see a song about heroin addiction where there are several more than realistic scenes of needles, syringes containing blood, and inflamed veins it maybe realistic and creative, however if any recovering heroin addict sees these scenes it will bring back unwanted memories and possible strong cravings.

When I was in the hospital there were a few films that were put on a black list for all addicts. These include the classic Pulp Fiction scene of Travolta shooting up etc.

Seeing these images will make most heroin users and addicts want to use. And will make most heroin recovering addicts crave using. For someone as educated and well read as Mekky, I find it a huge mistake.

Arab media over the years has succeeded in wrongly portraying drugs and drug addiction. The idea that addiction is a disease rarely makes it into what we see in TV or film, and now in Mekky's latest music video.

People take drugs not because they are sick of their lives, we're all sick of life, they take drugs because they are 'sick'... 'ill'. Having said that, any creative piece done about drugs that does not include the idea of treatment, to me, defies the point and brings us back to square one.

If everybody who takes drugs on the big screen ends up in a body bag then that is what our pop culture will dictate. Lately some works portrayed the entire story, the addiction itself as well as the treatment, and even though much information is wrong or skewed, but at least some film makers are beginning to pay attention to that.

RIP Whitney Houston: A Picture Worth A Thousand Songs

Another great talent taken away by the ills of addiction. May you finally find some peace, you deserve it.

"BEN, DIARY OF A HEROIN ADDICT"

I came across this film by pure coincidence while browsing youtube. It is mostly filmed by Ben, a heroin addict from the UK who decided to chronicle his days through a video diary. He filmed his family life and Christmas gatherings but also filmed the darker side of his life. He filmed his ups and downs, he filmed himself shooting up in the groin because he had deep vein thrombosis. Ben also filmed himself through several attempts to quit and clean up. He died before he finished his film at 34. The maker of this documentary used his footage and filmed some interviews with his family after he was gone.

I have to say it is a sad film. A sad story, but what is sadder is that it is a real story. One that has parallels in all parts of the world and in every culture. Addiction is a transnational disease and crosses into different religions, cultures, genders, and age groups. I can tell you several stories similar to Ben's that took place right here in Egypt. With names and family members as well. I would not describe the scenes in this film as graphic in a dangerous way for recovering addicts. The misery we see overshadows any longing for the high itself.

Watch it and spread it... Beware of addiction.

THE CRAVING

It is every recovering heroin addict's nightmare, dream, and reality combined. I've been clean for at least 4 years now since my last and most horrible relapse, but never have I had a stronger heroin craving in my life... not even when I first quit...

For a about two weeks now, flashbacks, dreams, even a little hallucination where I see a combination of images and memories of things that happened, and things that didn't. I see blood filled syringes, I see people from the past, some of them dead and others alive.

I only wonder about my old friends when I try to preemptively block them on social networks before they find me. I never miss them that's for sure. I saw my ex boyfriend's profile on facebook. I thought I blocked him, but apparently he has another profile. It turns out he married a Russian broad and had the ugliest baby of all time. It's like he cloned himself.... poor bastard, thank God I ain't your mama.

This specific person is where it all began in my life. The one who first introduced me to Heroin... The one person who caused me the most damage. He abused me verbally and attempted to physically on several occasions, exploited everything he could about me, manipulated me and lied to me while I only loved, or thought I loved him - later of course I realized it wasn't love, it was just masochism. I was 17 when we met.

I'm not his victim I'm a victim of my own sickness and that is what made me continue the relationship. I was doing all sorts of drugs before I met him - but he's the one who gave me Heroin. Would I have tried heroin if it wasn't for him? probably... My point is he is not the disease, the disease was there from the beginning.

Anyways I don't wanna talk about him - he got what he deserves - Hepatitis C. Needless to say I got tested for all blood diseases and am Negative, so don't worry about me. The reason I'm bringing all this up is to say that he no longer has any influence on my behavior. After I dumped him, which was much easier than I thought it would be, I lived under his influence for years, through my treatment and afterwards, I wanted revenge but I wasn't sure exactly from who or from what, I just wanted revenge. I wanted somebody to pay... and thus kept fucking up my life in his honor.

As for now I can proudly say not only have I attained closure, but I also have independence from the past. Except for the cravings...

I rarely had any cravings this past year, but recently the heroin issue kept popping up around me.

For example one of my best friends, and against a whole lot of begging I did, went and hooked up with an ex addict she met on a work trip. I begged her not to go through with it, and she didn't listen, she claims he's been clean for years, but I still begged her to dump him because he's an ex heroin addict... ironic right? I'm not worried about her using, I just worry about her being an addict's girlfriend or worse - wife! and having to go through all the pain.

At the end I told her that I will have to keep a distance between us because of this issue, I told her I can't be friends with him, and she understood. Recently she discovered I was right. I hate it when I'm right in this sort of situation. How can I stop my best friend from pouring her heart out to me on the phone? The hours of conversations we had about this reactivated some areas of my brain that aren't supposed to be active.

Another trigger was when I was driving my car and by coincidence I saw a guy in his 30's doing a line in a red Smart Car that was parked on the side. I didn't even mean to look, I was just glancing to the right and I saw him by mistake, I wasn't even trying to see, it was obvious. He wasn't even trying to hide. If I had the choice I wouldn't look, but I did and I saw and I got pissed as hell.

Another more general trigger is 'baltageya' - the thugs. Never before were 'thugs' or 'baltageya' as politically active as they are today. They are everywhere and all of them are on Tramadol - the opiate based prescription drug that most of them abuse.

So what do you do if you are a an ex addict who is having a strong craving?

YOU:

1) let it out, talk about it, write about it, talk to someone close, talk to your doctor, just talk talk talk... never hold it in, letting it out is important because if you don't it will snowball into a relapse sooner or later.

2) TAKE YOUR OPIATE BLOCKER! I used to take my opiate blocker - (AKA - Naltrexone, Revia, Deltrexone, Anarcol) everyday for several years, but now I don't anymore because the need has decreased. Yesterday I decided to take a pill. It is supposed to close opiate receptors in the brain and minimize cravings. It is not the most enjoyable pill, but it is the price we former junkies pay to stay clean.

3) Tighten your safety net. Reactivate your support network by telling your family members about your craving, have loved ones keep an eye on you, give up some of your privileges for a few days, have someone drive you to work, no need to go out a lot, leave your phone with your mom. If you live alone and have no family, drop by an AA or an NA meeting, speak to a therapist, preferably your addiction therapist of course. Jump start and relive your treatment process.

If I were diabetic, I'd take insulin.

My sickness is addiction.

What's yours?

REVOLUTION IN DANGER

In my last post I had lost hope. But now it is regained. But hope is in danger.

We must not get into any type of congestion with the army. The military police are bitches of the old regime we all know that and they don't mind trying to instate anger at the army.

As for Shafik, he really needs to go. It's not personal with him. It wasn't even personal with Hosny Mubarak. It's about justice. Shafik was appointed by an overthrown president who is no more legitimate. Mubarak should not be immune from being tried for corruption and all types of crimes against humanity.

We want a new constitution! We want a presidential committee! We want Shafik to go! We want a government of nonpartisan experts! We want a transitional period!

More about my account of the revolution later.

THE FUTURE OF EGYPT

Well This blog and this blogger are abstaining from blogging... Why? cuz it's not making a difference. You see, the future of Egypt is already decided by those who can enforce their vision on us, being the Egyptian people, regime, or government.

What we are going to see here is a struggle over power between America's favorite choice of president - Gamal Mubarak - and the Egyptian military's choice. Be it Omar Suleiman or even Chief of Staff Samy Anan - the Egyptian military's choice has one and only one condition - The president being a military man.

To be more exact - ie: cut the bullshit - there's nothing we civilians can do. This country is run by a mob and Hosny Mubarak is at it's top. When he dies the mob will scatter with every member wanting to jump on the vacuum created by his death.

Then we will see the ruling mercantilist 'business' elites backing Gamal with their money, and the the Egyptian armed forced backing their man with their tanks... We'll be completely left out. The people are originally what all this is supposed to be about. But unfortunately it's not. It's about what's best for Israel. Mel Akher.

There will be no place in this fight for us. And there will be damage. Lot's and lot's of damage. Much will be destroyed and there will be a long silent moment of truth. But unfortunately and I say this with tears, then and only then will Egyptians wake up. Only then will we be able to truly build.

But now it's all effort in the toilet.

I have never been disappointed in a politician like I am in Barack Obama. And that is not because he's a bad man - but he raised our hopes too high for our own good. Why would you do that to the entire world?? We understand you have to woo Americans so you can win the elections - but why promise of World Peace and respect for Human Rights if you'll back down?

Wikileaks is the biggest international event splitting history into 'before' & 'after' since September 11th. (Julien Assange is the hero de jour)

Anyways - This brings me to my next point. The elections. We did not have real elections - like we never do - no surprise there. The Muslim Brothers didn't get one parliamentary seat - again we all knew that would happen - Al Gama3a wasn't aired in Ramadan for no reason you know! But what worries me like hell, ladies & gentlemen is that there's no opposition in parliament. It is unconstitutional, illegitimate, and tailored to tightly fit no other than Gamal Mubarak.

The opposition, the Wafd, Muslim Brotherhood, and all those little fragmented groups including the Baradei Club - is just as scared of Mubarak dying as the NDP and the military. And they are too chicken to take responsibility for anything because they don't wanna be blamed if this country goes to hell. So they will keep barking from the top of a secluded tower and will do nothing more. I hope they do - but I know they won't.

As for the future I guess the presidential elections will be worse than the parliamentary ones. Hosny Mubarak will win, but he won't resign because of health issues and old age and help Gamal to the chair like was predicted because the military won't let him. Hosny Mubarak will die in office.

And until that happens we are in a state of political constipation. Nothing we say or do will change the direction with which we are heading towards. With a momentum of more than 50 years and 80 million people, it's too late to turn the wheel now. What we can do is hold on tight until we crash. Afterwards we can fix all the damage, but until then, the forces around us make us paralyzed.

I know I haven't been blogging much, but I don't want to anymore. I am not spending any of my precious time and effort so I can end up where I started. I will resume blogging when this cycle is broken once and for all. I am completely abstaining from writing until the day the Sun dawns again on Egypt, until the day Hosny Mubarak meets his creator. And who knows when that is? He outlived many.

See you then!

YOU'RE DEAD ANYWAY - هاتموت هاتموت

So what do we learn from that whole Khalid Said thing? I believe that this story sets an example and in order for us to avoid similar fates we must all:

1. Stay cupped away at home, off the streets, and especially out of cyber cafes 

2. If any person claiming to be Police associated, plain clothes or in uniform, asked for your ID... hand it over, kneel, raise your hands in the air, and no sudden moves... or other wise just run for your life... there's no point in resisting

3. If you have a pack of weed don't swallow it

4. If you don't cooperate nothing will stop us

5. And if you feel like you're about to die,  that's ok, because you're dead anyway 

_______________________________________________________

Yes it felt nice when I saw pics of the Alexandria demonstration. ElBaradei showing up, giving his condolences to the family... The thousands of concerned citizens... Yes... it felt nice... 

Cathartic even...

Now I can go about my day getting some shit done here and there... then at the end of the day I'll be following the nightly talk shows that I am now addicted to... I can't wait for the weekends to finish so I can go back to them. Oh how I feel like I'm making such a huge difference! By committing myself to watching these shows! Oh and following the blogs too! I'm making such a difference! 

All I want is for us to be so informational you know? communicationally GOOD!

DEFINITION OF 'A HYPOCRITE'

Like democracy, hypocrisy means different things to different people.

The man I'm talking about told me 'Don't be a hypocrite... stop pretending'

ME? A Hypocrite?

Maybe... Only when I am nice to people at work for networking purposes who I'd really rather slit the throats of... Me? a Hypocrite?

Maybe... but only when I'm going on and on about the cuteness of a friend's baby while I'd rather just shove a cork in their non-mutable mouths...

But when I'm trying to protect my love? a hypocrite?

When I'm fighting an eternal war everyday against the temptations I face so I can stay on top of my struggle with addiction? I'm a hypocrite?

A hypocrite is a person who says they care. And when you're already down they'd push your head deeper in the mud with their boots claiming that this is what YOU want... that's a hypocrite!

A hypocrite is someone calling me a hypocrite for trying to stay clean!

A hypocrite is someone who calls himself a life long friend and then gives you heroin!

A hypocrite is someone who wouldn't admit that staying away from you is the best favor they can do you!

A hypocrite is someone who sees YOU as the hypocrite...

- ISIS

CLEAN FOR YEARS